[This entry features some strong content; please exercise the appropriate discretion.]
“The other day in group, my counselor asked us what that one thing was that we’d actually valued the most before our addiction, and that we ended up not caring about anymore during our addiction. Mine was trust.
Before my addiction, I really valued my fiancé’s trust. In fact, I made sure that he was always able to trust me… no matter what. I told him everything. I never kept anything from him. We were a team. He was my person, my “ride-or-die.” But then I started doing heroin. That quickly changed. At that point, I didn’t care about anything other than that. I would constantly lie to him. I would steal money from him. I would tell him I needed money to pay bills or get food. Pretty much any bullshit excuse I could come up with to make sure I got that money to get high. Countless times he would ask where I was and I would have to lie to him, since really, I was up in the city getting my dope.
Finally, it all started to fall apart. He knew something was going on. He caught on that I was high, and also questioned where all his money was going. At that point, all his trust was gone. It didn’t bother me at first, but the lies were getting harder to come up with and it was definitely harder to make him believe me. He finally woke me up one day when he gave me the ultimatum. It was either him and my kids, or it was the drugs. He told me many times he was going to leave, that he couldn’t take it anymore. I begged him and pleaded with him to stay and swore up and down I would change. I never did. He always stayed, though. He really made me realize how much he truly loves me to have to put up with the hell that only I caused him. Once I got clean, I loved him more than I ever have before. He showed me what true love was. It took a very long time to gain MOST of his trust back, and to this day I am still proving to him that I am becoming again the person he fell in love with 7 years ago. I am so grateful to have him in my life and have him right by my side through my recovery.
I will never break his trust again. It means the world to me.“
Thank you so very much, Amanda. This is beautifully endearing, honestly. Keep going. You’re amazing.